I deep cleansed my room yesterday afternoon and it felt so good. I wiped down the fan and my furniture, cleaned the walls, tidied my bedside table, put my yoga matt on the floor (to give myself more motivation to use it), smudge sticked the hell out of it to remove any exisiting bad juju, set out my element shrine, watered my plant.
I then moved to the bathroom, set out all my bath stuff, organised my beauty and makeup drawers and separated them into morning and night routines.
I had dinner a cup of tea and an early night to start a new week fresh and ready.
Well today was day 1 of following my new attempt at a routine and I feel good coming home. It wasn’t the best day, it was busy and stressful but I’m still sitting here proud of my accomplishments and feeling satisfied with my life and calm only thinking about work to reflect not to stress. This is a big step.
I also feel calmer and clearer emotionally and mentally. So we will keep with this routine, we will add onto it and we will keep pushing.
Today was the day I felt different, empowered, confident, comfortable and still kind and myself for the first time. Today I felt more myself than I ever have and honestly, i think thats a pretty great first step.
Mindset is everything and from now on I’m working at keeping mine fresh, neutral and calm as possible.
For someone going though so many personal and life changes, I actually don’t do well at all with change. I like my routines, I like my plans and I like my lists. I work well with order and structure with a dash of complysiveness and chaos.
I don’t adapt well when my routine changes. When my norm is made to be different. Lately that seems to be every aspect of my life. I’m coping good, but god damn it I am hating it.
I think my biggest problem is I used to have a good balance and chatoic routine that worked for me and made me feel good. I can’t seem to find that balance for this new version of me. I keep trying new things and nothing seems to fit right anymore.
This is causing me to be slack and unorganised in all aspects on my life mentally, physically, emotionally and physically.
To try and combat this I’ve decided today is the day i clear it all out. Mind body and soul. The plan is to clear out all my old clothes, reorganise my cupboard, throw out all the unnecessary crap and start with a good night time pamper routine tonight so Monday is a fresh outlook.
I know. I know it’s been a long time. Life’s been a hurricane. Self care had become sleep for a long time there and I didn’t have much time or energy for anything else. I’ve missed writing. Being creative. Cause let me tell ya, this girl right over here has been close to breaking point and has needed to vent some emotion. The storms over now though. The damage is behind me, the suns shining, the plants are growing and the amimals have returned. Now it’s just time to rebuild.
Emotionally, mentally, personally and professionally the last few months have been busy, stressful, draining but ultimately productive. I have been deep diving into my “trauma” instead of hiding beind my anti-depressants and learning how to deal with the person I was, the person I used to be and the person I am now to become the person I want to be. I have been throwing my everything into work and growing and learning as much as I can (maybe using it as a bit of a distraction). I have been hermiting and distancing a lot socially to cope with all of the emotions and hectic work load. I’m now ready to pop my little head back out into the world.
Everything has starting slowing down the last week. My mind is clearer, I feel more confident in myself and I’m slowly learning and realising who my true authentic self is. Emotionally things arent hurting as much as they used to either.
It’s mind blowing to actually start meeting yourself without focusing on the pain of your past. Without judging your past or yourself and without medication causing a haze. I actually feel like I have met a stranger and slowly this stranger has grown to be someone I’ve gotten to know started to love and invited them into my life tribe. For the first time ever I’m treating myself as a friend and its feels good.
I have started talking to myself as if I would if a friend said the same thing to me. Wheny mental deamons start I ask myself “Would you tell your friend this in this situation?”. I’m starting to learn not to take everything so personally because only my world revolves around me. Everyone else has their own to worry about. I am starting to learn to stand up for myself and still keep to my morals and kindness. I am learning it’s okay to feel a certain way towards situations. The trick has been learning how I react and approach these situations. It has not been easy and I have made many mistakes, but I am learning every day.
I have also discovered some toxic traits I’d rather not admit I have that I never noticed before. Anger and jealousy being two I’d kept hidden not only from others but deep down where even I couldn’t find them. They have come out to play now and it’s been a struggle to contain them and their new best friend self doubt who’s showing them around the good ol’ emotional ropes of hell.
Its a process. Every day is a learning curve, exhausting and a struggle. I’m thriving on it though, I feel like I’m killing it and finally living my life. Ups and downs, good and bad, positive and negative. I feel pride in myself, my character and my smarts and yet also know there’s alot to go and alot more to work on. I’m stumbling my through it and I am getting there. My life and sense of self is slowly becoming everything I want it to be.
I’m loving and hating how I feel within myself right now, the mind space I am in, I feel uncomfortable in my skin, I feel uncertainty and confusion in who I am and what I feel. I don’t like not knowing what I want or need, I don’t like feeling like I don’t know who I am, I don’t like changing so quickly I can’t keep up with myself, with my own morals, thoughts, decisions and opinions. Nothings black and white anymore. Everything feels chaotic, messy and out of my control. I don’t feel like I know myself, I don’t feel great about some of the things I say or do or need to say or do for myself. However I do feel like I’m finally taking control of that and slowly learning and piecing bits of me together on stitch at a time.
I feel like I’m getting myself ready to thrive and this is all apart of my healing, growth and change. I feel a drive and need to know who I am and love who I am to finally want to heal grow and change for the better or myself and others. I want to learn who this new person is and build myself to be the person that is currently hiding beneath the surface and almost ready to introduce herself (whoever she may end up being)
I want to be able to show myself the love and respect I show others and still be able to show that to others. I am learning what I want and that I can’t keep making decisions on regret, other peoples needs, opinions or truths. My truth is what I need to start living by and being okay with and as long as I always do things with good intentions I will be able to stay true to my morals and beliefs.
I am learning life isn’t a race to the finish line, life is a journey with twists and turns, bumps and pot holes, sunshine and raimstorms, laughter and tears. Life is a balance and although it is chatoic now I am on my way to finding balance and peace, i just have to accept the whole journey not just the good parts.
It doesn’t feel good right now. I feel like so much in my life isn’t right for me and I am slowly trying to find what is and isn’t right for me, what I want and need as well as what I dont want and need and I what energies I want to give to the world and what I do not want to give to the world.
I’m learning that finding the balance of taking care of yourself and staying true to yourself is not easy one to find. That sometimes you are going to hurt others you care about to care for yourself and as long as you are not doing this to be unkind or malicious you cannot change your feelings to accommodate others, you just have to support yourself the best you can without being cruel or nasty.
I’m learning that with being confident and with sharing your opinion you need to be careful and trust your gut as well as be open for others opinions to be better than yours. To have flexibility and also the confidence to admit when you are wrong or need to alter your thinking.
I’m learning that emotions are not always going to make you feel good but that all emotions need to be felt, good and bad, that these emotions need to be felt and acknowledged. That you need to find healthy ways to release these emotions and that you cannot feel the positives if there are no negatives.
I’m learning that I have toxic traits and that is okay as long as I don’t use those toxic traits as excuses. I have a lot of self work to do on excepting the past and moving through the “trauma” of it. I am on a journey of acceptance and I need to start excepting that my life has changed and I need to as well.
I’m learning that without the thunder storm and lightening I won’t get the rainbow and although after the storm there might be some debris to clear up, there will also be sunshine and a promise of growth, change and a new beginning.
If you are feeling like you are struggling, if you’re not feeling quite yourself lately, if anything you just read hits a bit close to home, please know, you’re doing great, you just need to keep going. It’s okay not to know who you or where you are sometimes. Life is a lifelong journey and changing means you’re living your life for yourself to the fullest. You can do this. And so can I.
I felt it. 4:45pm on a Friday. The week had finally caught up with me. The extra work hours, the friends to catch up with, the housework to do, the sleep I needed. Boom tears. Tears are usually my emotional release go to. It doesn’t mean I’m sad or anything is even wrong. I just need to get it out and I cry, and boy did I cry.
I listened to those tears at 4:45pm which is big personal growth. I thought no. We aren’t doing this. We aren’t going down this rabbit hole for the umpteenth time. We are taking a break this weekend.
I spent time with good people Friday night. I slept alot on Saturday (most of the day if I’m honest) and spoilt myself with a mani pedi. I spent the night at a friends, we watched TV and ate dinner in silence. I left early and slept some more. I put in a few hours for overtime felt exhausted and put my laptop away guilt free because I did what I could (instead of pushing myself to do more like I usually would). I’ve since pottered around to do my housework and adult errands and I will continue to relax all afternoon and give my body, mind and soul the love it deserves.
I felt a manic episode coming. I felt overwhelmed and stressed. I was feeling useless; like I was a like a bad colleague, friend, family memeber and overall human. Insead of listening to my inner saboteur I listened to my body and looked and listened for what she needed and provided that.
As a result I’m feeling calm as I write this. My battery is recharged up to 80% and a good nights sleep will have me starting the week fully recharged. Instead of running myself down I respectfully put myself and my needs before work, I helped myself before I helped my friends and I rested before I tackled my adult chores – because honestly it will all still be there in 48 hours, if I don’t look after myself, I might not be one day.
For the first time in my life I actively chose me and loved myself above all else. I put my oxygen mask on before anyone else’s and no one died, nothing burnt down, the plane did not crash; life continued spinning just fine without me for a little bit.
Sometimes we feel unnecessary pressure, we put it on ourselves when realistically there is no expectation from anyone else. We make ourselves believe that out 100% is not enough and therefore we do not deserve to feel 100%. I’m starting to realise this is on me, not anyone else. This is about my thought processes and my priorities. No one else’s. Everyone should be there own #1 priority.
My life lesson learnt this week is that I am my own responsibility. My health and happiness is on me and no one else. The world around me is not going to crumble if I take a couple of days to love myself; body mind and soul, and sometimes it’s okay to make everyone and everything else wait.
I find it hard to trust people. To trust myself in trusting others. I have deep seeded trust and abandoment issues that I am slowly working thought so starting a friendship or relationship not only with others but also yourself is far from easy.
The fear I have is that by opening myself up I am potentially opening myself to have my trust, heart and the progress I’ve made to be content in who I am and my life broken. As well as the fear that by allowing myseld to trust my judgement of a new person, I’m potentially letting myself loose the person I’ve become and slump back into the less than person I have previously been..
I’ve always painted the other person in these situations as a potential villain in my life story, the one that could potentially hurt me, lie to me and deceive me. Guilty until proven innocent. When in reality this probably isnt fair when the person has given me no reason to think this.
I’ve recently started seeing someone and these thoughts and feelings are very prevalent right now. It’s early days, but when I’m with him I feel happy and safe. I laugh a lot. Spending time with him is easy and comfortable but when I’m not with him I start doubting him and myself with thoughts of “it’s to good to be true”, “you’ve been down this path before”, “stay guarded” and “you can’t trust this” flood my mind.
It’s been tough opening up and letting him in. I have a lot of hurt and pain in my past and allowing people to know and see this vulnerable part of my story and me is not easy. I’ve tried to be as honest with my feelings as I can while keeping some of my past guarded because I’m just not quite ready to share that dark part of my life with him yet. He’s been extremely kind and patient with me taking it at glacial pace and understands that with time I will open up more.
This leads me to wonder though, how long until I can’t blame my past traumas on my friendships and relationships not growing. Am I unknowingly the villain in these relationships? How long until it’s not about him earning my trust but me not letting someone who is absolutely incredible with no red flags into my heart.
Well hasn’t it been an exhausting and exhillerating emotional rollercoaster lately. A couple of weeks ago during my routine mental health appointment my doctor and I decided it was time cut down my anti-depressants to the lowest dose I’ve been on since I was 15, with an end goal of being off them by the end of the year (fingers crossed! YAY).
I’m feeling alot like Dorothy from grescale Kansas landing in technicolour Oz for the first time. I started off being in absolute awe of the rainbows, lollipops and sunshine. The joy of being welcomed by cute colourful munchkins, a georgous fairy and sing alongs and dancing. To it very quickly turning dark and stormy, frightening and real when I realised that colour doesn’t always mean sunshine and lollipops and that I’m still going to have the Wicked Witch of the West chasing my ass down through this beautiful technicolour world.
Feelings and emotions have always been something I have felt very intensely, the anti-depressants dulled those feelings to a manageable level while I was working through alot of emotional baggage (yeah it took a lot longer than anticipated. Ya girls a hot mess). I still felt, but it was very black and white emotions – happy and sad, the intensity level was lower and I often felt as if I was observing my life not living it.
The range of emotions I’m feeling right now and how intense their levels are is something I have never felt. I’m feeling excited and alive, I’m feeling scared and cautious, I’m feeling over-stimulated and confused, I’m feeling joy and at peace and I’m also feeling like I don’t know who the fuck (sorry mum!) I am anymore. I don’t know how I feel about this. I mean on one hand it’s really exciting, I dont have to start with a blank canvas I can start with the outline I’ve created and fill it in with whatever I want to keep about me and whatever I want to be. On the other hand, its scary realising you’ve spent 29 years creating someone that isn’t your 100% true self without even realising it.
I’ve slowly started shading in the canvas over the last week. I’m noticing a unique sense of humour I didn’t realise I had. I’ve started developing an awkward confidence I can call my own. I’m laughing more, and my brain and thoughts are much clearer and switched on. I’m voicing my opinions but am still able to keep to my soft-spoken nature. I still feel like myself, but a more colourful and interesting version. I’m realising I’m a massive weirdo in the coolest of ways and I’m really loving this woman I’m slowly creating and becoming. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin, even though I’m not sure what the finished product is going to look like.
The journey to the great Emerald City is not going to be a quick and easy one. Much like Dorothy I have alot of crossroads, difficult hurdles and hard decisions to make before I make it to those beautiful green gates, but I’m determined to enjoy the hard journey and make it worth it. With the help of my own personal scarecrows, tin-men and lions to guide me through and teach me to use my new and improved brain, heart and soul.
Finding who you are is an odd concept. I mean logically, you are you. The person you should know the best, the person you spend the most time with, the person that should never shock or surprise you. Yet each day I find myself questioning my thoughts and my actions more and more; who am I really, why does that make me feel this way now? Why do I say things like that? When did I stop enjoying this? When did I start liking that? It surprises me even more to learn the more I talk about it that I’m not alone in this feeling, not by a long shot.
Every day we are growing, changing and learning. Life happens and our perspectives or opinions change. Depending on what is happening in your life or what is changing about you depends on the type of change. You could change you to being more introverted or more extroverted. Having more opinions or mellowing out and being more open to others opinions. You could be noticing lots of subtle changes or feeling like a completely different person entirely. Each person’s life journey is different.
However life journeys are just that a journey and they happen slowly, and so do these changes. Until one day you take a step back and see how different you actually are; how much you have grown and changed. I have recently taken a step back and realised how different I am to how I used to be. At the core I’m still me, but how I see myself has changed and therefore what I allow myself to do, feel and say and show to the world is completely different.
I am starting to realise that even though I have changed, I haven’t changed my life to accommodate the new me. Stay with me and let me explain. I used to be a very anti social introvert. I was depressed, anxious and freshly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Work was filled with stress and drama and so was my personal life. Life just didn’t seem like it wanted to cut me a break. I was a mess and was my very worst self. Self care for me back then was alone time, reflection time and sleep time, alot of sleeping time. It was stripping back life working out what I needed and then doing it.
Three years of healing, changing and growing. My mental health and I have a mutual agreement that my depression, anxiety and BPD will stay manageable and behave if I look after myself, check in on my mental health regularly and pay more attention to my personal needs. What I needed back then is not what I need now though. I’m a much more social introvert these days. I enjoy outings with small groups in quiet places, I enjoy trying new things and being with good people, I like learning and conversations that make me think and debate, however I also still need that recharge time, time to read and write, be creative, meditate, listen to music or sometimes just be.
What I used to love, what my body, mind and soul used to crave and what I enjoy is now different. Now I’m trying to learn to listen to what I need more. To live more in the present and be less rigid in my views of myself and the world. To not assume that the amount of social interaction or me time I needed last week is what I need this week. To give myself R&R time when I need it and Social time when I want it.
I listen different genres of music and podcasts, I read different types of books, learn different types of writing styles and skills and enjoy different past times during my “down time” than I would in the past (e.g. not sleeping most of the days and nights away). I spend time with myself and others differently and am learning to stop limiting myself because of how I used to be and start letting myself be who I am and grow into who I am meant to be.
The truth is that if you are different from who you used to be then what you want, like and dislike, believe and need is going to change. That’s okay, actually it’s better than okay because now is the fun part where you can start providing yourself body mind and soul exactly what you need to continue to grow, change, evolve and learn.
Irenic Quartervois 